Batman opened a can of worms

Batman is a pretty prominent figure in our house. He is by far Sam's favorite superhero and when we found a kid's book on batman at the library yesterday it seemed like a major find. The book is written like a very simple comic book that explains how Batman became Batman. Tonight Sam wanted to read it before bed and when we got to the part where Batman's parents died I was trying to explain why Batman was sad. I could tell the minute Sam sort of understood because his eyes filled with tears and he looked up at me and said "Nee desky dom" which means "no orphanage". I immediately started backtracking, reassuring, hugging, kissing, anything I could think of to explain that we weren't going to die and Sam wasn't going back to the orphanage.

All of the books, and every social worker tells you to talk openly about the adoption and your child's story. They don't tell you what to do when they understand just enough English to get the whole story confused. Sam doesn't understand tenses so everything you tell him is right now. And no matter how many times I try to explain that he had a Russian mama and papa and now he has an American mama and papa it isn't making sense. It broke my heart how terrified and sad he was. I don't want to mistake fear for connection but when he calmed down we just laid in bed together whispering about how much I loved him and he would whisper back that he loved me. I want him to fall asleep with the idea in his head that he is loved.

Other than that we are doing great. Sam is excited for Christmas without really understanding what it means. I have literally wrapped Christmas presents for him right behind him while he watched cartoons and he didn't even notice. At this point I think the pile of presents may be bigger than Sam.

We've had really cold weather the last week including some snow (see pictures below). Sam liked the snow but wasn't wildly ecstatic about it the way most kids in Tennessee get. All those years living in Russia made him a bit impervious.

His English seems to be growing in leaps and bounds. My favorites currently are the way he says "you're welcome" whenever he hears the words thank you and the way he says "it's okay" every time I apologize for something.

We are so lucky to have Sam. He is sweet and loving and curious and smart and everything a little boy ought to be.

One Month Home

We've been home one month as of yesterday. I can't really believe it, since it seems like a week and yet it's hard to remember our house without Sam in it. In the past month he's been to the doctor, tried to go to church, learned his whole alphabet, celebrated mama's birthday, had a birthday, made new friends, watched a million hours of Super Why!, charmed all of his grandparents, and stolen all of our hearts.

For any of you that our curious here is where Sam is at in the following areas:

Bonding: This is a work in progress. Sam is just starting to really believe that this is permanent. He loves when Tim and I tell him that we are his mama and papa forever, he loves when we empathize with his dislike and fear of the orphanage, he will make eye contact with us on his own but not for an extended period of time. He loves his Papa to death, literally I think it may be killing Tim. If Tim is home Sam is glued to him. Sam loves mama in a different way. If he needs something than he usually asks mama, and at bedtime it is the mama show. He is so sweet when we snuggle and he rubs my hair and gives me little kisses.

English: Also a work in progress. He learns words quickly, and understands a lot. He loves when he can use a word spontaneously and gets lots of praise for it. My favorite thing is when he says "Say thank you Sam." when he does something for you. He can count to fourteen and knows about 50 words. I may be hurting this more than helping because I let him get away with too much Russian and I speak too much Russian to him. It's easier to communicate with him in Russian but know one else can.

Here are some things that Sam is doing right now that I don't ever want to forget:

The way he sings along to everything when he doesn't know the words. My favorite is a Super Why song where Princess Presto says "S-P-E-L-L, I really love to spell." and he sings the letters with his little accent. Super cute.

The licking. Two hours with Miss Lesley's golden retriever and Sam replaced kissing with licking. Super gross but also kinda cute.

The way he says "Santa Claus" and you hear the magic in his voice. Not everyone is into Santa but I'm not going to take that magic away.

How much he loves games. Any games, board games, computer games, made up games. He fits right into our family.

The way he runs to the door when he hears the garage door open in the afternoon screaming "Papa, Papa!" Dad is totally a rockstar in this house.

Sam's favorite song is "Fe, fi, fo" which is a little song they sang on Super Why.

How he says Henri's name "Kenari"

There is more stuff I'm sure that I'm not thinking of.

Okay, here's what you came here for. Pictures from the last month!

31+5= Sam's Birthday & 31 Days of Him Being Ours

Yesterday marked Sam’s 5th Birthday and our 31st day caring for him. It was a hectic day, and I am fairly certain I am birthday partied out for at least 6 months. And that is saying something because my birthday is rapidly approaching.

After we (more Carrie) put Sam to bed, I was cleaning up and saw this commercial and it had all of these adults in a different situations, and one was a mom hosting a birthday party. WHAT???!!!! She had time to talk to the camera and form cogent sentences. Maybe that comes with time, but Sam’s birthday party would be the last place I would have time to talk to a camera. Funny thing is that after the party was over we had a follow up interview with Both Hands & LifeSong about our Both Hands project. Guess what, I had problems forming cogent sentences. Good thing Carrie is smart and stuff. She knows how to use her words but me not so much.

Thinking back on these 31 days of caring for Sam, it has not always been easy, but Carrie and I have always tried to be good parents, which is really hard, because we have no experience caring for a 5 year old. Especially, when you factor in that fact that he was in an orphanage and does not speak or understand very much English. He does understand more than he lets on. Like one day, I was asking Carrie about him falling asleep in the car, and I hear from the backseat, “не (not) sleep.” I am especially trying to figure out how to be consistent with punishment. Especially, when he figures out so quickly how to say the just the right thing (in English) so he doesn’t get a time-in (nerdy term, but that is what it is). I am onto you Sam, and becoming immune. The biting, farting, and spitting have pretty much stopped. He still farts, but mainly for performance purposes. The name calling (in Russian….we are onto you Sam) and telling us that he doesn’t love haven’t stopped, but are becoming less frequent, but still occur when he doesn’t get what he wants. I think the hardest single principle that we are teaching him is to be patient. Most of his meltdowns are because he is not patient. I know that it is a trust issue and that the more he trusts us the more the patient he will become.

We are 31 days in, and all I have to say is that adoption the process and parenting an adopted child are not for the faint of heart and are the most difficult thing I have done and continue to do (I think Carrie will back me up on that), but if God has placed adoption on your heart how can you say no? My life hasn’t become easier, but it is better, and I am consistently seeing God’s Hand in my life more than ever before. The correlations between how Sam responds to me as parents and how, in turn, I respond to God are remarkable. The biggest similarity is that as I trust God more the more patient I have become for God to provide for my family and me. I don’t know if Sam gets amazed with the ways we provide for him, but I definitely continue to be очень очень (very very) amazed with how God provides.

Two weeks...

If Tim can do this in two weeks, imagine what he can do in 14 years...

The Hardest Thing

The hardest thing about having a newly adopted child is not what you would think. It's not the fear that is his constant companion or the entire shift in everyone's routine. It's not even being regularly told that you aren't loved.

It's not knowing what he's thinking in the quiet moments before he falls asleep, and not even being able to ask him. I so want to know what is going through his head when all he whispers is "lu-blu" (love you). Those sweet moments are getting me through some difficult days as we all adjust.

Also, as you know yesterday was my birthday, and it was like no other birthday.

It started like this:

And this:

And ended with Red Robin and delicious lemon creme cake that my mom made that was exactly like the lemon creme cake at Olive Garden.

I am trying very hard to establish traditions. Red Robin's has always been a tradition for me and Tim because you get a free burger but I want to establish Krispy Kreme as one too. It was a fun day, tiring like all our days have been but fun too.

Tomorrow we are going to see how children's church goes, so pray for that!

It's that time of year...

TIME FOR HAND TURKEYS!!!!!

Reality

I was just reading a blog of someone marking the anniversary of their referral call and I started thinking that we don't have that anniversary. We found Sam. I saw this picture on a web listing and while it might not have been love at first sight, I kept coming back to it, over and over again. He looked just like the sweet boys in my Sunday school class, just sad. Finally I convinced Tim and the rest is history.

But I was sitting here and it finally hit me that that little boy is here. I hold him and kiss him and watch him play all the time now. He was just this picture for so long that the reality of the huge blessing God has given us is only just now sinking in. And he's not that sad little boy anymore either. He was Aleksey, an orphan living in Sosnovo, Russia, and now he's Sam, a very smart, very loved son.

We love him so much and he doesn't have to do anything for that to happen. And he couldn't do anything to change that.

And that is why adoption is a picture of God. God takes our sad, fatherless selves and loves us for no reason, unconditionally. This weekend the sermon was on love and the pastor said that love is ethical, not emotional. That really hit home for me. Yes, my love for Sam is a feeling, but even when it's hard to feel that love, I still love him. How powerful it has been for me to realize that God loves me even more than I could ever love Sam.

Sam himself is doing amazing. We had two friends over today, Haddon and Hayes, and he had a ball. Some people have questioned us about bonding and attachment but Sam is doing so well and he is so much a four year old boy. The only person who really understands a four year old is another four year old. They wrestled and had strange conversations and played cars and had a ball. We are lucky to know such wonderful sweet boys who are so patient with Sam.

He's also learning some English and even occasionally correcting Mama when he says something to him in Russian that he knows in English, like Thank You. Today we learned the word "cookie" and for about an hour everything was a cookie. He can count to nine and say the ABC's and even identify a few letters.

Right now Sam and Papa are out running around the neighborhood in the jogging stroller which is why I had this quiet minute to post. Until next time!

Sam Jamming to VeggieTales

This is a video of Sam jammin' to a VeggieTales Silly Song.

Harder than it looks

I promised myself we would not be those people who adopt and then fall off the map. I just didn't plan on being this tired. Between jet lag and adjusting we're all pretty tired. We got in late late Saturday night and since then have been hanging out, playing with all the new toys, watching super why, and trying to find foods that aren't "foo foo foo" (Sam Russian for yucky).

The food thing may be the most difficult. In Russia he would eat anything but ever since we got home he's been super particular. He likes ramen, salami, cheddar cheese but not american. What's really difficult is that he will like something one time and not like it the next. We went to the store today and hopefully got a few more things that he'll like.

We are also trying to find a nap alternative. He absolutely will not take a nap but gets super tired in the middle of the day. Super Why! is usually pretty good because he loves it and is actually learning something. He can identify and few of the letters in some of the episodes we've watched several times (thank the Lord for Tivo).

Overall I think that we're getting the hang of it. Ask me again tomorrow.

If any of you want to come stop by for a visit give me a call and we can set something up. He's okay with one or two people at a time. If you want to skype just call Tim's phone and we'll connect it.

Sam Plays Soccer

Today Sam and I played a little soccer. It was pretty funny to watch him pick up the ball and try to kick it in the air. We played outside for almost 1 1/2 hours and we had already gone to the park earlier this morning for about an hour. He is a playing machine. Of course he fell asleep in the car, but the minute we went to put him to bed for a nap he woke up.

Coming Home

Today was long. We traveled for at least 24 hours with an off and on very cranky four year old. All things considered he did pretty well and is now officially a US Citizen. Now however, if you'll take a look at the time stamp it is 2:55 am and I am exhausted but instead of sleeping I am sitting on the couch watching Toy Story while Sam plays with toys and we try not to wake Daddy up. I thought not having a baby would mean I got sleep. Not so much. Also, it's crazy that Toy Story 1 was my little brother's favorite movie for a very long time and I can still recite whole parts of it. Weird how the brain works. Anyways, it's good to be home, although I don't know that the cats would agree.

Not Luck Just God

So we had a little bit of a rough day today. We walked all the way to the Kremlin which was about 25-30 minutes each way with Sam, and then we ate at TGI Fridays. Personally, I could have done without both, but I guess we should at least try some sightseeing on the trip. We have not gone sightseeing at all this trip except if you count going to the orphanage, downtown St. Petersburg (to court & vital records [what incredible sights, in deed]) & Priozersk. Sam did fine, but it was definitely not easy with him wanting to go pee and us having to find somewhere in a foreign country with a public restroom. Thank you McDonald's by the Kremlin.

Anyways, now I will tell you the real story of the day. We went out to find this pizza place that we were told about, and could not find it. So we came back to the hotel, and ordered room service. I went to the store to get some drinks, because we are not paying the ridiculous amount for room service drinks (they already were charging a ridiculous amount for the food). Anyways on the way back from the store, I felt this sliding feeling, and I checked to see if my wallet or passport had fallen out. They had not, so I just kept walking. I got back to the hotel and realized that was the money belt, and this was after a couple of minutes. Oh crap! So I ran out of the room as fast as I could under the arms of the bellhop who had just knocked at our door, and sprinted back to retrace my steps. Praying the whole way, but really all I could even pray was, "Oh God please..." But God did please and our moneybelt was just lying in front of the store in plain site with a light showing on it. I picked it up and hugged it, and thanked God. I ran back to our hotel, because I assumed that Carrie was probably freaking out and looking for the money belt. She was. But God was watching out for us, and I can only think that it was God. Praise God! (And yes, I forgot to take my blood pressure medicine today. Guess what I did when I got back to the hotel clutching the money belt in my hand? Took that medicine.)

Long story short, PRAISE GOD!

Made to Moscow

We made it Moscow. We are staying in a "posh" Marriott. We didn't have a choice they booked us there. We left our apartment at 7:45 this morning. We got the airport at 10:15. Our flight left at 11:50, and we got to Moscow at 1:20. We then spent another 2 1/2 hours in the car getting to our motel. Poor Sam didn't get lunch because we were scared he might get motion sickness like he did the morning we picked him up from the orphanage.

He did very well for not getting any lunch and flying his first time on an airplane. We were ready to get dinner when we got the hotel, but we had a meeting with the contact here, and then once again we were ready for dinner, but we had a doctor come to our room next from the US Embassy for Sam. So by the time that was over, it was 7 pm. We made it to the hotel restaurant and that was cheap, however, it was here and Sam was running on empty about 4 hours earlier.

Oh I forgot to mention Sam was scared and woke up at 3:30 and didn't get back to sleep. We are tired. Poor guy.

Thanks for all of your prayer and support.

Sam sings the ABC's

Anyone wanna hear Sam sing the ABC's? You know you want to!

Макдоналда (McDonald's)

So we had our first trip to McDonald's today. Sam was very good and ate all of his cheeseburger. He got a Happy Meal, but we held his toy until the end of end of the meal. He was very excited that he got a car. We took a couple of pictures of him with his Happy Meal box when we got back home.





Later we went to the park as we always do in the afternoon, and there were a bunch of boys playing (with realistic toy guns). But Sam made a new friend. A little boy a couple of years older than him with the exact same coat. They rode the slide together, and chased each other around the playground. It was really funny, and I am glad that he found a little friend. As we were leaving, I think Sam told him that he would see him tomorrow, but I don't think that boy will be there, because his parents will be at work and he will be in school.

In parenting news, we decided to give up on Sam's naps, and we implemented a quiet time hour. He is right at that age where he really doesn't need a nap anymore, and so we just started putting him to sleep earlier. He is a little grouchy around dinnertime, but that is only a little bit before his bath which is only about 30 minutes before he goes to bed. It is better than him not going down at night, because he is not tired from his nap. We also moved up his bedtime from 9:30 to 7. And he has been falling asleep at about 7:30. They told us that his bedtime at the orphanage was 9:30 to 10:30. That is a little too late especially since that is my bedtime. We tried moving him out of our futon bed and onto the cot that is in our room, but he fell out of it at about 11:15. He was ok. He said, "Mama, Papa" and I picked up and put him in our bed and he just went back to sleep. Sam sleeps like a rock.... a radioactive moving rock.

Things that are completely and totally adorable:

- My little Russian singing short snippets of the ABC's. He knows about five random letters and just walks around the apartment humming to himself.

- How much he LOVES the bathtub. The minute we say the word bath he runs around the apartment stripping off all his clothes.

- How he wants to give us kisses all the time and will just walk up to me and say "ya te-bya ly blu, mama" (I love you mama).

In other news, I think I'm learning more Russian than he is English and he's definitely getting more sleep than me. I think God gave us three cats to prepare us for surrendering all of the bed space to someone half our size. At one point I woke up and he had his head on my stomach, his legs draped over Tim, and his hand on my face. Who knew he would turn into a little mini whirling dervish at night.

We are absolutely ready to come home now though. Every time we go some where we get asked if we are going to America. It took an entire day to explain that our cars weren't here but in America. I don't know how we're going to explain the fact that Moscow is not America.

Still, I love being a mom. God created me for this, even when it's hard. And he's revealing himself to me more and more everyday. Even the fact that going to bed last night shrank from an hour and half to fifteen minutes was a miracle much prayed for.

We love all of you and can't wait to get home so you can meet our little miracle.

Signs I Have Been in Russia Too Long

1. When I close my eyes at night all I hear is Russian, and I don't understand half of it.

2. When the computer does something I don't want it to do I speak to it in Russian.

3. I am able to figure out who else sticks out like a sour thumb, and is not from Russia.

4. I wake up thinking this futon isn't so bad. Especially when you have three people on.

5. I am not really completely bothered by going to the store anymore.

100th Post

I did it. I posted the 100th post. Yay!

We are all so tired. We spent about 1 1/2 hours trying to put Sam down last night. He finally fell asleep with help from Mama. I am not such a calming influence on him. Sam was very tired today (Thursday) and is currently in the middle of a 2 1/2 hour nap (he just woke up). And Carrie is currently feeding him ice cream. It is really not helpful that it is cold and rainy here and we spend most of our day cooped up in the small apartment. Plus we keep giving him sugar.

He loves taking baths though I mainly let Carrie do that because I am not really sure about the whole bath thing. Kind of like in Big Daddy when Adam Sandler makes Julian wear a bathing suit in the bath tub. This a mohawk he had last night during his bath.

Gotcha!

Introducing Samuel Aleksey Stanley Tweten, the newest member of the Tweten family!


Thank you everyone for your encouragement, kind words, and generosity, all of which made this day possible. What a sweet, sweet gift that our father in heaven allows us to experience the joy of adoption. There is nothing sweeter than the sound of an amazing five year old boy playing with his new papa in the next room.

Tomorrow is Gotcha Day!

Tomorrow is the day!!! It's finally here!!!

Okay, now I will tell you what we've been up to. This weekend we had to venture out on our own to get Sam new shoes and a new coat (the ones we bought were WAY too big, I told Tim there was no way he wore a size 12 shoe). The whole thing was an experience because the first time we left we had not done our homework and had no idea how to convert the Russian sizes. So after eating lunch (at Chili Pizza, weird spicy pizzas) and looking at the four kids stores we came home and looked at what Russian sizes he should wear and then went back out. Turns out all the malls around us are like designer malls. There was no way we were paying $100 for a pair of kids shoes. Finally we found a jacket that looks very Russian and will probably be warn a total of three times when we get home since it's never that cold in Nashville, and a pair of adidas sneakers that were the right size. I've never spent so long by such little clothes.

Sunday we fully intended to go out but we didn't. It was cold and rainy so we just napped and Tim finally got his computer to connect to the internet so we could watch all the stuff off the slingbox (thank you Chip Hayner!). We are so desperate for American TV that last night when we got home we watched almost the full hour of The Price is Right. The time change really does mess with your tv schedule though.

Monday was our LOOOOOONG day. Everyone kept saying it would be long and they weren't kidding. It was the day we were officially declared Sam's parents so as of yesterday he belongs to us! However we spent the day driving three hours to Priorzersk, the town Sam was born in, to get a new birth certificate and an adoption certificate. As of yesterday Sam's birth certificate has his new full name and lists us as his parents! We then got back in the car and drove the three hours back to St. Petersburg. The pictures are from Priorzersk, which is a very old city right on the border of Russia and Finland. There is an old fortress there that the king of Russia used to stay in. The town is very pretty and sits on the edge of a pretty river. We were lucky that the weather was clear and beautiful. We also had about an hour to kill and ended up eating lunch at a Japanese/sushi restaurant. Our driver Andrey was laughing about how we had to fly all the way to Russia and then drive all the way almost to Finland just to eat Japanese food. I can confirm though that all Japanese restaurants look the same everywhere. All in all we spent about 11 hours driving and doing paperwork yesterday. Then we came home and crashed.

Today was a little easier. We met Irina (our coordinator) at the passport office. It's this huge building that looks like five DMVs all smushed together. When you go in you take a ticket with your number on it. Our number was 304 and they were on number 135. Needless to say we had to wait again. It's a good thing waiting has become our specialty. After lunch in the little cafeteria and about another hour of waiting finally Tim and Irina went in to the assigned office and came out ten minutes later and we were done. After a quick stop at a huge souvenir store where we spent way too much money but got all of our shopping done at once, we went to the grocery store to get stuff to take to the orphanage (tea and cakes and candy). And then we came home and now we are cleaning up and getting ready for Sam.

I've put pictures of Priorzersk and of our apartment below for your viewing pleasure. We miss and love all of you and can't thank you enough for all your sweet comments and kind prayers.

Uphill Both Ways

Today was interesting...

It started out normal enough, get up, get dressed, get ready to go see Sam at the orphanage. We went outside and it was snowing, just a little and not sticking so while it was pretty it was not a big deal. We got through town really fast, a miracle since it took 45 minutes to go a block on Monday. And that it was it all started.

About five miles outside of town it started snowing. Really snowing. And sticking. So we keep driving, north so it's getting colder, and there is more and more snow. And the cars coming towards us have about an inch on them. This same road on Monday looked like autumn, leaves changing and sun shining, and now it was the depth of winter. Overnight.

I don't know if all of you know this but the orphanage is down a very long, very bad road. I don't know why our adoption has been marked by impassable roads, but there you go. So we get to the road, after crawling down the highway for an hour and a half, and we can't even get 10 yards before the van is stuck. None of us, including Andrey our driver, were prepared for snow. In fact Andrey had even told us this morning before we left that he had planned to put on his winter tires this afternoon. So then we tried to go to the nearest town where the orphanage director told us we could catch a train that came to the orphanage. Only it turns out that the next train isn't leaving for an hour and the one coming back wouldn't leave until four o'clock, so that was a no go.

I was ready to call it off and just come home but the orphanage director had emptied out Sam's savings account in order to give it to us and she didn't want to keep the money over the weekend.

And that's when we decided to walk.

Do you remember those stories your parents or grandparents used to tell you about how when they were younger they had to walk 2 miles to school, in the snow, uphill both ways? Yeah. 2 miles, in the snow, uphill both ways. Actual childbirth cannot be worse than that.

And Tim did not bring his hat, and was wearing his work shoes that have a small crack in the sole. That is why in the pictures Tim has a blanket on his head.

But we made it and Sam was very excited to see us and was even pretty well behaved. We took his shoes and coat with us and neither of them fit, both are way too big, so tomorrow we have to go find new ones. I put some pictures we took below. Some of those Sam took. Master photographer in the making.

And then we walked all the way back and the car was stuck so Tim had to get out and push. So now we are real Russians. Snow and all.

Sam Takes a Funny Photo of Papa

Mama and Sam

Papa and Sam

The Orphanage

Tim and Andrey and the friend who wanted to follow them home.

Evening

If last Thursday was Night and last Friday was Day then yesterday (Monday) was Evening. Sam was trying really hard to behave but once again everything was different. We had to move downstairs because they were packing up files in our usual room. We brought a Where's Waldo book but Sam was going to have none of that. Really after about 20 minutes he was pretty much done being civil, but he was not as bad as last Thursday. That might have been because in the room there were about 4 other caretakers just sitting around (Not sure why they have the full staff when Sam is the only child under 15 in the orphanage and there are a total of 3 children). But he might have just been wound up because we gave him a bunch of sugar at the beginning of playtime. We really need to wait until towards the end.

Today we went to Ikea to pick up a couple of things. We walked about 1 mile to avoid riding the trolley or going an extra 5 stops on the Metro (subway). We then got to where we thought the Mall bus would come to pick us up but it actually was one stop too far. It also turns out that was the scariest areas around a Metro station we have been. We figured out that we had gone 1 stop to far and got back on the Metro and where riding the bus in no time. We ate at Ikea. Swedish meatballs and potato soup and it was very delicious. On the ride back from Ikea we got on the wrong bus. Apparently we should have gotten on the blue topped bus and not the red topped bus. Our mistake was rewarded hansomely with 1 1/2 hour Metro ride that featured 14 stops. Exciting!

We may go to see Sam tomorrow, but we might not be able to, because our driver bought a new van from Germany and is possibly going to pick it up tomorrow from Finland. Long story short, he bought a van from 2004, but thought it was from 2006, because of this mistake he had to pay an extra $7000 on top of the $7500 he had to pay for buying a non-Russian made car (Don't tell Obama or we might end up paying a ridiculous import tax on foreign cars too. He would do it. Yes, I just got political.). So we may go tomorrow or may end up going on Thursday and Friday again.

Sam and Daddy

Please do not post this video anywhere!

Night and Day

The last two days with Sam were like night and day. We went to the orphanage on Thursday and Friday for about an hour and a half each time. We'd like to stay longer but the orphanage is actually in the process of closing and I think we're really just in the way.

Thursday was pretty much a nightmare. Poor Sam had wound himself up pretty well and he didn't get to go outside that morning. Needless to say we spent the whole time trying to keep him calm, keep him from yelling, and saying "nyet" about a thousand times. By the time we were ready to leave we were all exhausted. Tim was convinced this was a symptom of a larger problem but Mom knew better. We hadn't been there for several days and he still doesn't fully understand why he can't just come with us. It doesn't help that his whole world at the orphanage is in chaos as well.

For yesterday we were better prepared. We took fewer toys since he was definately overstimulated and I put his snack away instead of putting it out first thing. Right off the bat it was much better. I think it helped that we came back. If Thursday was a nightmare, Friday was a dream. My Russian is getting better which also probably helps. We got him to say several words in English (as you can see below). We're not quite sure he understands what they all mean, but it's a work in progress. We also spent almost the entire hour playing with bubbles. The best part of the day in my opinion had to be Tim and Sam looking at this big book that had several activities in it. One of the pages was like a "Where's Waldo?" book and as they were looking at it Tim would do something like say "hmmm" or tap his mouth with his finger. As soon as he did Sam would do the same thing, wanting to be just like his daddy. I got it on video and we'll post it next week.

Other than that not much is going on. Doing anything in Russia is like 1000 times harder than doing it at home so we don't do much. The washing maching holds about 4 pieces of clothing, takes 2 and a half hours, and the clothes are still wet when they come out. Never thought I would miss my washing machine. The funniest thing that's happened to us is we went to the store on Wednesday and I was determined to make something for dinner that wasn't ham and cheese sandwiches. I bought pasta and what I thought was spaghetti sauce. It wasn't. Let me tell you, ketchup, salami, and spaghetti noodles is not good. It's really not. The container had garlic and spices on it. Who does that to ketchup? Oh well, spaghetti take 2 last night went much better.

Today we were planning on taking the metro to Nevsky Prospect but the weather's not looking so good, so we'll see.

Thank you all for your sweet emails and comments on facebook and here. They are very much appreciated when we're so far from home.

Sam says Hi!

Approved!!!

Our petition to get Sam was upheld and we were given a positive ruling. That is a fancy Russian way of saying we are now Sam's parents. The judge asked about 20 times if we were sure we wanted to adopted, and we are still are sure that we want him. We are very excited, so we celebrated the safest way we could think of by eating at McDonald's. And yes, somehow we ended up with 3 Big Mac's and 3 Fantas even though Carrie held up her finger and said 2. There was something strange in my Fanta too. We probably won't go back there. But Carrie says, "Desperate times...."

I spoke most of the time during court. We had already decided that well before they gave us the option of either of us speaking. I really only was tripped up twice. Once during our prepared speech, and during a question I really didn't understand. And a got a few laughs which is good.

Thank you for all your prayers. They made a poor public speaker a better one.

We will get to see Sam on Thursday and Friday and three times next week. I am really looking forward to those visits, but I am also looking forward to our break times in between our visits.

God is a powerful God. He soften the heart of a judge that thought we had no logical reason to adopt. All praises be to God! I am thankful everyday that He adopts into His family!

Time to rest!

The Power Struggle Begins

We saw Sam this afternoon at about 3 pm (6am CST for the folks reading at home). He was very excited to met us, and we were excited to see him. He ran in and gave us hugs, and was wearing the sweatshirt that we had given him 6 months ago. We had to wait until later in the afternoon to see him, because they had just picked him up from the hospital today, and he needed to take a nap. He didn't sleep. He was too excited to see us. We played a couple of games with him and he was really hyper. We had to calm him down a little, and had to say нет (no) a bunch. He is a curious boy, and since we did not have a translator today I think he was trying to get away with as much as he could. He shutdown for a second when I had to take him away from a fancy tea set that was in the room for some reason. That was really our first experience with him shutting down, but I think we handled it just fine. Children who live in orphanages sometime just shutdown completely. This is known as "fight or flight." We have to be careful to unprogram this behavior from Sam, and it will probably be one of the bigger challenges that we face when we get him home.

Tomorrow is our court date, and we have court at 11am (or 2am CST). Hopefully, all goes as planned and our request for Sam is approved. Carrie says she is very calm, but I think that is because I have been volunteered to do all the speaking in court (yes, I did just throw her under the bus, but we are married and I will probably get in trouble for it later so stop giving the computer screen such a dirty look). I had to write a speech today for our court date tomorrow, so at least something is prepared for court. I do feel like we are prepared. I remember my brother, Dennis, always use to say that if you have to cram the night before a test you are prepared. We am not cramming so we guess we are either prepared or in complete denial.

Please pray that we both have the words to say and that we can effective communicate tomorrow.

P.S. I used the micowave in our apartment today which is in all Russian, and somehow I ended up defosting my 5 minutes and 50 seconds. I did manage to figure out how to use it later. I also just tried to spell check this blog and every since word was put in red, because somewhere blogger thinks I am typing this in Russian.

Jetlag is Fun

We went to bed at 9 pm St. Petersburg time last night, and got up at 3:30am. I love the jetlag. We have some appointment today at 12 and then we will get to see Sam at 3pm. I am really excited about that. Apparently, Sam is more excited. The orphanage director went on vacation for a while and the first thing Sam asked her when she came back is when are they coming to pick me up. Also, he very active now which is a good thing. We were told that after his surgery a couple weeks ago he was running around the hospital the next day.

We talked to our contact here in Russia about our court date and she seems pretty positive about our court date. She said that we shouldn't worry and that we need to be very strong when speaking to the judge. Good thing that at my last job my boss called me a bulldog when it came to issues that I want to resolve. (I just had a little deva ju about writting this blog post. Either I am tried or had a dream about writing it.) From what our contact here tells us it sounds like God has already worked and moved to get us here. She said that the judge give her a second chance to work on the dossier documents instead of us resubmitting everything, and that she was very forgiving and she has not always been that way in the past. She also said that the judge has been very friendly to her.

So please just pray that God gives us strength to be tenacious, and not back down in front of the judge. Also, pray that if we have a chance we can share Christ with her. I really felt like God has been calling me to do that for some time now.

We are alive

We made it here alive. We didn't die. This is not ghost posting this blog. I haven't sleep in 36 hours.

One Lesson

God is my Shepherd

And I am his little lamb.

He feeds me

He guides me

He looks after me

I have everything I need

Inside, my heart is very quiet.

As quiet as lying still in soft, green grass

In a meadow

By a little stream

Even when I walk through

the dark, scary, lonely places

I won't be afraid

Because my Shepherd knows where I am

He is here with me

He keeps me safe

He rescues me

He makes me strong

And brave.

He is getting wonderful things ready for me

Especially for me

Everything I ever dreamed of!

He fills my heart so full of happiness

I can't hold it all inside.

Wherever I go I know

God's Never Stopping

Never Giving Up

Unbreaking

Always and Forever

Love

Will go, too!

Psalm 23

from the Jesus Storybook Bible

When we started the adoption we thought it was something God wanted us to do for Sam. Now as we near the end of the process I have learned that adoption is something God wants us to do for us. God has revealed himself in so many ways that I can't begin to list them all. When the Bible says that true religion is visiting orphans and widows we tend to put that into a box. God wants us to help those people because they need help. What I've learned is that God wants us to love those people to show us how he loves us.

This whole adoption has been about Jesus. I was guilty of putting Jesus in a box. Demarcating the parts of my life where Jesus went and keeping other parts separate from him. I was on my schedule, doing my own thing, and asking God to help me when it was convenient and to live on my schedule. I had made myself a pocket sized Jesus.

At the end of the adoption I have learned so much. When my arms ache to hold my child I am reminded of how much more God's arms ache to hold us. When I think of how much love there is in my heart for him I have just a small idea of how much God loves me. And when I think I know everything and that my plans are perfect, God shows me that his plans are bigger and grander and more incredible that I could even imagine.

On Friday we got an email saying "Hey, you're documents aren't going to get here until Monday and by the way Sam was sent to the hospital with appendicitis and had to have emergency surgery. He's doing fine and will be out of the hospital in a week."

And for the first time in the last 16 months I made myself be still. I didn't freak out, I didn't have a panic attack, I just came home and sat in Sam's room. I sat in the rocking chair and asked God why my baby had to be in the hospital without his parents again. Why this couldn't have waited one month until he was home. And God spoke.

The Peterson family gave us "The Jesus Storybook Bible" at our baby shower last week and it was sitting on Sam's nightstand. I picked it up and opened it and it opened to Psalm 23. It was like Jesus himself was reading it to me. And assuring me that he was whispering it in our Sam's ear as well. "Even when I walk through the dark, scary, lonely places I won't be afraid because my Shepherd knows where I am." God was assuring me that he knew exactly where Sam was, that he loved him more than I could, and that he would comfort him when I can't.

Our God is mighty. He's big and powerful. But He's also small enough to comfort us when we cry and hear us when we call. He wants only the best for Sam because He loves him.

The truth is God wants only the best for me too. He loves me too. So much. All I have to do is trust. He wants the best for you too. Only the best. Because he loves you too. This whole adoption was about learning that one lesson. And it was a good one.

Adoption Soundtrack

When I was in college we made sountracks for everything. There was the driving soundtrack, the 80's party soundtrack, the I'm feeling like a whiny girl soundtrack. You name it, we put music to it.

It has been a long 17 months since we started this process and throughout it all music has been a tremendous comfort to us both. I remember looking for "adoption" songs when we started and wanted to make a list of the songs that have been the soundtrack for this process if you will.

"The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)" - Jars of Clay
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
And higher mountains I have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

This is my go to "things are not right" song. It is always on the Mp3 player as well as being on CD in the car. I have sang this song on repeat, through tears, too many times to count. It's a reminder that God is bigger than whatever I'm going through and that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel

****

"Before the Morning" - Josh Wilson
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending

This song was on repeat for a while when we found out we weren't getting Eliana.

****

"God is it true..." - Steven Curtis Chapman
God, is it true out of all things you're doing on this planet,
Could it really be true that you've counted the hairs on my head?
God, is it true, every day of my life, you have planned it?
Well, if it's all true, then that must be you I hear saying, "Trust Me."

This whole album spoke to my heart, constantly reminding me that God was in control even in the painfulness of waiting.

****

"Hope Now" - Addison Road
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
****
"Better than a Hallelujah" - Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
****
"Have Your Way" - Britt Nicole
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me
****
"For Those Who Wait" - FireFlight
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait
****
"Jesus Calling" - 33 Miles
When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
You're blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
"It's okay you're not alone
You may be scared to death but I won't let you go"
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling?
****
"O Taste and See" - Hillsong (I think, we sing this in church and I've had a hard time finding a recording) You have turned my mourning into dancing
Put off my rags and clothed me with gladness
And I will arise and I will praise You
I'll sing and not be silent
****
"While I'm Waiting" - John Waller
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship You
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

This is just my list. Tim has way cooler taste in music than me. But I wanted to remember later on that these were the songs that helped.

Prayer Requests

I've been meaning to post this for two weeks. Seriously, it is on my actual written down "to-do" list. I was reminded again this morning so now I'm buckling down.

I believe that God goes before us. I believe that prayer is powerful. If you were to ask what the number one thing we need is it would easily be prayer.

And a toothbrush for Sam. (That's just my own little fixation lately. I should just go buy one.)

People have asked what they can pray for specifically so here goes:

- Pray for the judge in our case. Pray that the Lord would soften her heart towards us, that she would understand in her spirit the things we can't put on paper and be mindful of our little Sam when making her decision.

- Pray for Sam. Pray that God protects his small heart and gives him happy days waiting for us. Pray that he would understand what is going on and adjust easily to the major changes coming his way.

- Pray for Us. Pray that God would prepare us to be good parents and shining lights. Pray that we deal well with the stresses coming in the next two weeks. Pray that we love each other well and have patience with one another. Pray that God gives us the right words to speak while we're in court. Pray that we get rest while traveling, and for easy travel. Pray that we stay mindful of the bigger picture while dealing with the minutiae that this adoption entails. Pray that we seek God in times of trial and weariness.

-Please pray for Tim, he has had a lot of work related stress with a couple of difficult situations.

We are so blessed in this adoption. Blessed beyond even our comprehension. God has already shown up in such big ways that it feels selfish to ask for more. But we do.

I've read so many prayers in the bible lately that begin "God of the angel armies" and that's how I've been beginning mine. God is prepared to do battle for us if need be. And God always wins.



Thank you all for praying. We appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Explaining the Inexplicable

We have a court date!!! Yay!!! It's October 5th as long as they get the mountain of paperwork they are asking be redone. Half of it needs to be redone because it is too religious for their taste.

And we were told once again to be prepared to elaborate on why we want to adopt.

Here is where the title of this post comes in. Basically Russia does not understand why a couple of 27 year olds who have only been married for 2 years and who are perfectly capable of having children the "normal" way would want to fly half way around the world to adopt a little boy who is not related to them. They want an explanation and they want us to do it without mentioning God, or faith.

And we can't. There is no reason why we would do all of this. No reason outside an almighty, heavenly father who before the world was formed decided that we should be Sam's parents. We cannot explain why we don't want to wait, why we want to adopt, why we want to adopt from Russia specifically. No answer will satisfy them. And the fact that they keep asking is making me feel crazy and like maybe there is no reason. Which isn't true. In this instance Russia might as well be Satan whispering in our ear. God is the reason. Faith is the reason. Sam is the reason.

I have been thinking of other (non-religious) reasons we could give them. Belmont is planning a new hockey team in 2023 and we are recruiting early. We want to learn Russian and this seems like the easiest route. We're setting ourselves up for our own tv show on TLC. Gypsies are holding our cats hostage and demanding our first son and this seemed like a convenient way to get one.

All crazy reasons. All probably more acceptable to Russia.

I'm joking obviously. Only a little bit not. God wants us to have Sam. When we stand before the judge we just have to pray that he gives us the words to convince them or that they see us with him and words aren't necessary. God is the reason and he can work miracle where we can't.

Dedication

Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies,

If you'll take a good, hard look at my pain,

If you'll quit neglecting me and go into action for me

By giving me a son,

I'll give him completely, unreservedly to you.

I'll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.

Before the year was out, Hannah had conceived and given birth to a son. She named him Samuel, explaining, "I asked God for him."

When Elkanah next took his family on their annual trip to Shiloh to worship God, offering sacrifices and keeping his vow, Hannah didn't go. She told her husband, "After the child is weaned, I'll bring him myself and present him before God—and that's where he'll stay, for good."

1 Samuel 1:10-11, 20-22, The Message

When we started our adoption I had a cursory knowledge of the story of Hannah and Samuel. Since then it has taken on a special significance. We didn't name Sam "Sam", it was simply the code name Bethany had given him on their list. But the story took hold along with the name. Sam was a son desperately wanted by his mother. I related to the pain Hannah feels in her waiting. For almost a year I thought of Hannah and her fervent prayer and felt it in my heart.



The thing I didn't remember is the second half of Hannah's prayer.



We had baby dedications this week at church. I expected them to make me sad because I really thought Sam would be home by the time these dedications rolled around. But I wasn't sad. I was happy for the parents up there and looking forward to the day I can dedicate Sam to the Lord. Hannah didn't just ask God for a son. She also dedicated his life to God. I am really learning that Sam's life belongs to God. Any moment I get to spend being his mom is a privilege and a gift. I think about how Hannah must have cherished those moments every year when she could visit Samuel at the temple and how proud of him she must have been.



God had big plans for Samuel's life. God has big plans for Sam's life. I'm just lucky that I'll get to play a small part in them.

Things to do

While having a Russian induced nervous breakdown

By Tim and Carrie

- Write a very long rant about how much Russia sucks
- Eat all the twizzlers in your co-worker's desk because she didn't show up for work today
- Regret eating all the twizzlers in your co-workers desk
- Drive around Brentwood in your car for an hour listening to old songs on your i-pod and skipping any that may be adoption related
- Eat a chik-fil-a kids meal in your car sitting in the parking lot while mumbling to yourself and hope no one you know sees you
- Vow to start fasting. Decide you will eat nothing but ice cream until you have a court date
- Try and google exactly how much it will cost to overnight one piece of paper to St. Petersburg without an exact address

Any more suggestions?

Needless to say we do not have a court date. What we have instead is another form to fill out that says basically exactly what all the other forms said. It also included our favorite question of all time: Why do you want to adopt? The reasons we put have gotten more and more far fetched because we can say nothing about religion, altruism, loving Sam, or anything nice.

There goes another week. Bring on the twizzlers and ice cream.

Things not to do

Here are some things not to do.

1. Plan your life based on your perceived adoption schedule.

2. Ask a 4 year old how to be nice to friends. (This results in very convoluted stories about how someone was not nice to someone else.)

3. Assume that when Russia gives you a random date pulled out of thin air that it means anything.

Today is August 20th. A long time ago (really it wasn't that long, like 2 months) they told us the judge was coming back from vacation on August 20th. We spent the last 2 months waiting for August 20th. We pondered what "back from vacation" meant and why she would come back on a Friday. Turns out August 20th actually means August 23rd. Which probably doesn't mean August 23rd. And I am trying very very hard not to get my hopes up. I want to believe that we could go back in 3 weeks. I want to believe that by mid-September I will hold my sweet Sam in my arms again. But mostly I am not doing those things.

For a long time I was very angry about this. Very angry. It seemed unjust and unfair and mean. But I'm not anymore. God loves Sam more than I do. God knows just how his life should go. I was reminded during worship this past weekend that God's love spans the miles between us. When I worry about his little heart feeling sad or anxious I have to trust that God comforts him.

Next week in St. Petersburg, Russia court is back in session. Pray that our case is presented quickly. Pray that the judge finds favor with our case and grants us a court date. Pray that God's glory would be magnified.

How high, how deep
How far reaching is Your love
Great is Your love
So high, so deep
So far reaching is Your love
Great is your perfect
So unfailing, so unending is Your love
Great is Your perfect love.

We have launched the website!

We have relaunched http://www.adoptascarf.com/ (we will now be selling t-shirts). Please visit and buy.

August

Did you know that August can mean three different things? Of course it's the 8th month of the Gregorian calendar. It can also mean venerable, dignified or noble. It is also apparently a type of clown.

It also means sweet relief from the interminable month that was July. July was full of a whole bunch of things we did not expect to be in Nashville for. I've never liked July in my whole life and this had to be one of the worst.

But now it's over. The judge comes back from vacation in 2 weeks and 1 day so hopefully we will find something out by the end of the month.

In other news, we are starting a new fundraiser selling awesome T-shirts designed by the one and only Tim Tweten for the very reasonable prices of $12 and $14. Go here and check them out. I for one am very excited about it.

That's all the news that's fit to print. Really. Unless you want to hear about the very long road trip we took two weeks ago to see the Superman statue in Metropolis, IL, but I don't think you do.

T-Shirt Design

We are thinking about creating some T-shirts to sell on our other site Adopt a Scarf site. We are still finalizing the details, and once we receive the shirts we will officially go live.

YAC Blog

This is a blog that I wrote for Belmont's Young Alumni Council blog.

When I wrote my last blog for YAB GAB I figured by my next my turn I would be officially a father. I would have pictures and a wonderful adoption story that I could somehow loosely tie back to Belmont or my Belmont experience. I thought I might have a story about how our son trying to serve me breakfast in bed, and syrup got everywhere. It was going to be a nice blog that would be roughly 3 paragraphs long and include 1 anecdote. However, adoption is never formulaic, and in our case we have been to Russia once and are waiting to go again. By the time you read this, we will have been back from our first trip to Russia for 3 months and are still waiting to go back to get our son.

It has now been a couple of weeks since Father’s Day, and our bed remains syrupless. It was a day for me that felt more like I had a son who was in college or beyond rather than 4 year old child. And as frustrating as it has been waiting and waiting and waiting for the last 3 months, there is hope in that frustration. Hope that someday very soon I will see my son again. Hope that a couple of weeks later, I will bring him home for the first time. Hope that someday he will have a desire to go to college. And hope that he will be a basketball star dunking over some inept Lipscomb player! In waiting there is hope.

Some Encouraging News

We received the most encouraging news this morning (excluding that we could fly to Russia tomorrow and get Sam). Irina, our agency’s contact in St. Petersburg told us that she saw Sam the other day, and that he had brought her his little photo album of pictures we had left him. She said he always walks around with his little album. I hope it holds together for a little bit longer. He is such a brave and resilient little мальчик (malʹchik - boy). I am so proud of him.

I remember when we were in Russia, and he would ask for his собака (sobaka - dog). He called the album that, because we had put a voice recording Hallmark card in the back of the album with a picture of a dog on it. Unfortunately our accents were really bad and he could only understand one of the phrases we had recorded. For the record, it was mine. I think it because I use to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle (the bad guys were Russian for all our younger readers).

If this is all true it is very encouraging, because many times older children resent being adopted. They feel like they were taken away from everything they know and being dragged halfway around the world without their permission. It is also encouraging, because it means Sam not only remembers us, but knows that we are going to be his parents which shows that there was some bonding.

The email also told us we could send some photos and a letter, and the orphanage would show them to Sam and read him the letter. This is all good news and very encouraging. It feels like fifty pounds has been lifted off of my back.

Detour

I drive to work everyday on a sort of country road. It's two lanes and it passes through a golf course but it also goes back past some historic houses and in my opinion it used to be one of the prettiest drives in all of Nashville.

And then about 9 months ago someone, somewhere, decided that the road needed to be widened for reasons I still don't understand and they yanked up all the trees and pulled done the crumbling stone walls and ripped up the concrete. And then a couple of weeks ago they started rerouting everyone around on the same road I usually turn off on. On this road is a tiny church and the church has one of those signs that they change weekly with a new pithy saying. For a whole week once the first line said "God is up to something." I liked that. I don't remember what the rest of it said but I liked the idea that God was up to something.

This week the first line is driving me nuts.

"This detour was planned"

Not exactly what I want to hear. I wanted to be mad and rail against God and shake my fist and stomp my feet. In essence I wanted to throw a temper tantrum because I felt like God had stolen something precious from me. We are missing precious weeks of Sam's life that we will never get back. Ever. And I felt robbed.

And I did not want to be reminded that every second we are alive and have breath in our lungs is a gift from God. Every minute we get with Sam, the fact that we get to be Sam's parents is a gift. God can't exactly steal something that was his to begin with.

Am I still sad? Yes. Am I trying hard to believe that this detour was planned by an almighty and sovereign God who knows something I do not? Yes. Is it easy? No. Is it good for me? Probably.

This detour was planned. And it's only a detour. We'll still get where we're going. It just may take a little longer than expected.

September

We just got an email that our judge is on Vacation until August 20th. This means that even if our paperwork is perfect and she has no problems with it we still won't be in Russia before September. I was not prepared for this.

When you are adopting the number one thing people tell you is that God's timing is perfect. While you wait and wait and wait people tell you that God has a plan and it's all for the best.

Today I don't believe that. Today I am angry and sad and miserable and this timing can't possibly be perfect. How is it perfect for my son to sit in an orphanage for 3 more months? How is it perfect for his room to continue to be empty and his toys to go unplayed with? It's not perfect. It's stupid. It's stupid and I'm angry. I'm tired of being patient and smiling and telling people that God will work it out. I'm tired of thinking about things and then thinking "Oh, we won't be here for that." and then it comes and we're still here. I'm so tired of almost being a mom.

Today is not a good day.