Some Encouraging News

We received the most encouraging news this morning (excluding that we could fly to Russia tomorrow and get Sam). Irina, our agency’s contact in St. Petersburg told us that she saw Sam the other day, and that he had brought her his little photo album of pictures we had left him. She said he always walks around with his little album. I hope it holds together for a little bit longer. He is such a brave and resilient little мальчик (malʹchik - boy). I am so proud of him.

I remember when we were in Russia, and he would ask for his собака (sobaka - dog). He called the album that, because we had put a voice recording Hallmark card in the back of the album with a picture of a dog on it. Unfortunately our accents were really bad and he could only understand one of the phrases we had recorded. For the record, it was mine. I think it because I use to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle (the bad guys were Russian for all our younger readers).

If this is all true it is very encouraging, because many times older children resent being adopted. They feel like they were taken away from everything they know and being dragged halfway around the world without their permission. It is also encouraging, because it means Sam not only remembers us, but knows that we are going to be his parents which shows that there was some bonding.

The email also told us we could send some photos and a letter, and the orphanage would show them to Sam and read him the letter. This is all good news and very encouraging. It feels like fifty pounds has been lifted off of my back.

Detour

I drive to work everyday on a sort of country road. It's two lanes and it passes through a golf course but it also goes back past some historic houses and in my opinion it used to be one of the prettiest drives in all of Nashville.

And then about 9 months ago someone, somewhere, decided that the road needed to be widened for reasons I still don't understand and they yanked up all the trees and pulled done the crumbling stone walls and ripped up the concrete. And then a couple of weeks ago they started rerouting everyone around on the same road I usually turn off on. On this road is a tiny church and the church has one of those signs that they change weekly with a new pithy saying. For a whole week once the first line said "God is up to something." I liked that. I don't remember what the rest of it said but I liked the idea that God was up to something.

This week the first line is driving me nuts.

"This detour was planned"

Not exactly what I want to hear. I wanted to be mad and rail against God and shake my fist and stomp my feet. In essence I wanted to throw a temper tantrum because I felt like God had stolen something precious from me. We are missing precious weeks of Sam's life that we will never get back. Ever. And I felt robbed.

And I did not want to be reminded that every second we are alive and have breath in our lungs is a gift from God. Every minute we get with Sam, the fact that we get to be Sam's parents is a gift. God can't exactly steal something that was his to begin with.

Am I still sad? Yes. Am I trying hard to believe that this detour was planned by an almighty and sovereign God who knows something I do not? Yes. Is it easy? No. Is it good for me? Probably.

This detour was planned. And it's only a detour. We'll still get where we're going. It just may take a little longer than expected.

September

We just got an email that our judge is on Vacation until August 20th. This means that even if our paperwork is perfect and she has no problems with it we still won't be in Russia before September. I was not prepared for this.

When you are adopting the number one thing people tell you is that God's timing is perfect. While you wait and wait and wait people tell you that God has a plan and it's all for the best.

Today I don't believe that. Today I am angry and sad and miserable and this timing can't possibly be perfect. How is it perfect for my son to sit in an orphanage for 3 more months? How is it perfect for his room to continue to be empty and his toys to go unplayed with? It's not perfect. It's stupid. It's stupid and I'm angry. I'm tired of being patient and smiling and telling people that God will work it out. I'm tired of thinking about things and then thinking "Oh, we won't be here for that." and then it comes and we're still here. I'm so tired of almost being a mom.

Today is not a good day.

Sammy Clause Is Coming to Town

A couple of days ago, I decided that a good nickname for Sam was Sammy Clause (And to clear up any confusion early, we don’t know when yet). But he is going to come to town eventually and it is going to be awesome. We received a little bit of Debbie Downer news today from our agency in that they have no idea when the medical committee is going to meet to decided Sam’s final diagnosis. So I am guessing that they are going on Sammy Clause’s naughty list.

I will probably never call Sam, Sammy Clause. That is a lot of responsibility trying to figure out who is naughty and who is nice. This ties directly to what we have been studying in church, the Flood. I had never really thought about this before, but when Noah entered the ark he did not shut the door of the ark. God did. That was God passing judgment on the wicked, because that ark was the only thing that could have saved them from their pending death. What is even more fascinating and very applicable to Carrie and I is that God had them wait 7 days in the ark before the flood started.

From personal experience, the waiting is the hardest. All the work leading up to the waiting seems so hard and maybe even impossible, but then the waiting starts. It is unbearable, especially, when there is no timeframe. I can imagine what I would be thinking if I was Noah. Ok, maybe I was a little crazy to spend like 100 years building a giant wooden box, and what the heck was I thinking? Then I filled it full of 2 animals of every kind, and they all smell. Did I pick the 2 smelliest of every kind? Etc… My guess is that Noah had a little more faith than I do. My evidence is Gen. 6:22, “Noah did everything just as God commanded him.” He just did it. Nike stole their slogan from Noah. Thieves.

I need to have a lot more faith like Noah and a lot less putting people on a naughty list and whining like a baby. Please pray that Carrie and I can put more faith in God’s timing.

A long time coming

I've been thinking about this post for months it seems like. It's weird to talk about and hard to think about, so posting about it was not exactly on the top of the list of things I wanted to do.

This is the post about Ellie.

We really wanted Ellie. We bought some little girl clothes and were planning where to put the crib and even painted Sam's room a gender neutral color. There were several months where it sounded like we would get her. And then a few months where they weren't sure. And then we got to Russia and were told that basically she was too sick to be adopted and that even America probably wouldn't let her enter the country.

At the time we were consumed with being in Russia and meeting Sam and it was easy to push it aside.

But I think about her daily. I'm sad that Sam won't know his sister. There will always be a little hole in our family where she would have gone.

But God has plans we don't know about. We rest in the fact that this was God's will and have to try and be the best parent's to Sam possible.

Off the Radar

I know, we've fallen off the radar again. It's no fun posting when you think your next post is going to be the "We have a court date" post and instead it's just another we have more paperwork to do, Russia is dragging its feet post.

So we have more paperwork to do, three pieces to be exact, but we can't do them without the absolutely official, final, stamped and approved medical diagnosis. Without this the rest of our paperwork can't be sumbmitted to court. We were told we would get the diagnosis today but I doubt it since it's about 7:30 p.m. in Russia right now.

On top of this neither of us has been sleeping well which is a combination of stress, the weather, and the cats.

All this makes for a grouchy Tim and Carrie.

Pray that Russia gets their stuff together and gives us the diagnosis tomorrow.

What do we deserve?

I was praying for Sam today, and somehow it crossed my mind that he deserves a family. I realized that he does not deserve a family nor do I deserve a family. Not really sure why I thought he deserves anything or why I deserve anything. I realized what Sam needs is a family, but what he needs and what he deserves are two completely different things. The same goes for me what I deserve and what I need.

I have been reading Romans, and I have been stuck on Romans 3:1-9. It is complex, but fortunately a couple of weeks ago I got a commentary from Matthew Henry. I have been reading this a lot especially in reference to those verses in Romans. There is a cross-reference to Romans 9:4, which talks about the Jews being adopted by God. It is easy to forget that the Jews were the original orphans who were adopted. They didn't deserve it, but they needed. God choose them. He could have chosen any other people, but He choose them. Nothing they ever did would justify this divine choice, but God choose them.

In fact just like us Christians (and me, especially me), they have rejected God many times from building a golden calf to doubting God abilities to provide them with the land of milk and honey. Sound familiar? It does to me. I have doubted God a lot though this process and all He has ever done is provide me with exactly what I need. It is not always what I want, but it is always what I need. He choose the Jews and He choose me, and continues to provide me with what I need, and not what I want. It is easy to get the two confused.

This really doesn't have to do with our adoption. But it more of what I am studying and how it applies to my life right now.

Randomness

I want to fill an entire post with good things. There are lots of good things going on. Really.

First off I managed to slip back into class after I thought it would be impossible so I get to take Science (a subject I loathe) with my cohort (people who are awesome). Plus time goes faster when it is filled with projects.

Secondly, I read a really good book. It's called Ida B. I read it in probably 2 hours and it was wonderful. It's about a girl in the fourth grade who is growing up on a farm when her mom gets cancer. Now usually this would be the stuff of after school specials but Ida B. is honest and sometimes mean and the whole book just rings true. I cried for the last 40 pages. And as an added bonus there is a nice little lesson about the importance of good teachers. If you are reading this and you like children's fiction you should definitely read Ida B. And if you know any little girls between the ages of 8 and 11 I know they would love it especially.

Thirdly, Dossier: the Sequel was finished on Tuesday and should be working its way to getting translated as we speak. I'm glad it's done. Thank you very much.

Fourthly, Tim and I discovered Oscar's Taco Shop which is delicious.

Fifthly, it is almost Friday.

I think that's all the good stuff this post can handle.