One Lesson

God is my Shepherd

And I am his little lamb.

He feeds me

He guides me

He looks after me

I have everything I need

Inside, my heart is very quiet.

As quiet as lying still in soft, green grass

In a meadow

By a little stream

Even when I walk through

the dark, scary, lonely places

I won't be afraid

Because my Shepherd knows where I am

He is here with me

He keeps me safe

He rescues me

He makes me strong

And brave.

He is getting wonderful things ready for me

Especially for me

Everything I ever dreamed of!

He fills my heart so full of happiness

I can't hold it all inside.

Wherever I go I know

God's Never Stopping

Never Giving Up

Unbreaking

Always and Forever

Love

Will go, too!

Psalm 23

from the Jesus Storybook Bible

When we started the adoption we thought it was something God wanted us to do for Sam. Now as we near the end of the process I have learned that adoption is something God wants us to do for us. God has revealed himself in so many ways that I can't begin to list them all. When the Bible says that true religion is visiting orphans and widows we tend to put that into a box. God wants us to help those people because they need help. What I've learned is that God wants us to love those people to show us how he loves us.

This whole adoption has been about Jesus. I was guilty of putting Jesus in a box. Demarcating the parts of my life where Jesus went and keeping other parts separate from him. I was on my schedule, doing my own thing, and asking God to help me when it was convenient and to live on my schedule. I had made myself a pocket sized Jesus.

At the end of the adoption I have learned so much. When my arms ache to hold my child I am reminded of how much more God's arms ache to hold us. When I think of how much love there is in my heart for him I have just a small idea of how much God loves me. And when I think I know everything and that my plans are perfect, God shows me that his plans are bigger and grander and more incredible that I could even imagine.

On Friday we got an email saying "Hey, you're documents aren't going to get here until Monday and by the way Sam was sent to the hospital with appendicitis and had to have emergency surgery. He's doing fine and will be out of the hospital in a week."

And for the first time in the last 16 months I made myself be still. I didn't freak out, I didn't have a panic attack, I just came home and sat in Sam's room. I sat in the rocking chair and asked God why my baby had to be in the hospital without his parents again. Why this couldn't have waited one month until he was home. And God spoke.

The Peterson family gave us "The Jesus Storybook Bible" at our baby shower last week and it was sitting on Sam's nightstand. I picked it up and opened it and it opened to Psalm 23. It was like Jesus himself was reading it to me. And assuring me that he was whispering it in our Sam's ear as well. "Even when I walk through the dark, scary, lonely places I won't be afraid because my Shepherd knows where I am." God was assuring me that he knew exactly where Sam was, that he loved him more than I could, and that he would comfort him when I can't.

Our God is mighty. He's big and powerful. But He's also small enough to comfort us when we cry and hear us when we call. He wants only the best for Sam because He loves him.

The truth is God wants only the best for me too. He loves me too. So much. All I have to do is trust. He wants the best for you too. Only the best. Because he loves you too. This whole adoption was about learning that one lesson. And it was a good one.

Adoption Soundtrack

When I was in college we made sountracks for everything. There was the driving soundtrack, the 80's party soundtrack, the I'm feeling like a whiny girl soundtrack. You name it, we put music to it.

It has been a long 17 months since we started this process and throughout it all music has been a tremendous comfort to us both. I remember looking for "adoption" songs when we started and wanted to make a list of the songs that have been the soundtrack for this process if you will.

"The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)" - Jars of Clay
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
And higher mountains I have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

This is my go to "things are not right" song. It is always on the Mp3 player as well as being on CD in the car. I have sang this song on repeat, through tears, too many times to count. It's a reminder that God is bigger than whatever I'm going through and that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel

****

"Before the Morning" - Josh Wilson
Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending

This song was on repeat for a while when we found out we weren't getting Eliana.

****

"God is it true..." - Steven Curtis Chapman
God, is it true out of all things you're doing on this planet,
Could it really be true that you've counted the hairs on my head?
God, is it true, every day of my life, you have planned it?
Well, if it's all true, then that must be you I hear saying, "Trust Me."

This whole album spoke to my heart, constantly reminding me that God was in control even in the painfulness of waiting.

****

"Hope Now" - Addison Road
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
****
"Better than a Hallelujah" - Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
****
"Have Your Way" - Britt Nicole
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me
****
"For Those Who Wait" - FireFlight
When you're fighting to believe
In a love that you can't see
Just know there is a purpose
For those who wait
****
"Jesus Calling" - 33 Miles
When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
You're blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
"It's okay you're not alone
You may be scared to death but I won't let you go"
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling?
****
"O Taste and See" - Hillsong (I think, we sing this in church and I've had a hard time finding a recording) You have turned my mourning into dancing
Put off my rags and clothed me with gladness
And I will arise and I will praise You
I'll sing and not be silent
****
"While I'm Waiting" - John Waller
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship You
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

This is just my list. Tim has way cooler taste in music than me. But I wanted to remember later on that these were the songs that helped.

Prayer Requests

I've been meaning to post this for two weeks. Seriously, it is on my actual written down "to-do" list. I was reminded again this morning so now I'm buckling down.

I believe that God goes before us. I believe that prayer is powerful. If you were to ask what the number one thing we need is it would easily be prayer.

And a toothbrush for Sam. (That's just my own little fixation lately. I should just go buy one.)

People have asked what they can pray for specifically so here goes:

- Pray for the judge in our case. Pray that the Lord would soften her heart towards us, that she would understand in her spirit the things we can't put on paper and be mindful of our little Sam when making her decision.

- Pray for Sam. Pray that God protects his small heart and gives him happy days waiting for us. Pray that he would understand what is going on and adjust easily to the major changes coming his way.

- Pray for Us. Pray that God would prepare us to be good parents and shining lights. Pray that we deal well with the stresses coming in the next two weeks. Pray that we love each other well and have patience with one another. Pray that God gives us the right words to speak while we're in court. Pray that we get rest while traveling, and for easy travel. Pray that we stay mindful of the bigger picture while dealing with the minutiae that this adoption entails. Pray that we seek God in times of trial and weariness.

-Please pray for Tim, he has had a lot of work related stress with a couple of difficult situations.

We are so blessed in this adoption. Blessed beyond even our comprehension. God has already shown up in such big ways that it feels selfish to ask for more. But we do.

I've read so many prayers in the bible lately that begin "God of the angel armies" and that's how I've been beginning mine. God is prepared to do battle for us if need be. And God always wins.



Thank you all for praying. We appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Explaining the Inexplicable

We have a court date!!! Yay!!! It's October 5th as long as they get the mountain of paperwork they are asking be redone. Half of it needs to be redone because it is too religious for their taste.

And we were told once again to be prepared to elaborate on why we want to adopt.

Here is where the title of this post comes in. Basically Russia does not understand why a couple of 27 year olds who have only been married for 2 years and who are perfectly capable of having children the "normal" way would want to fly half way around the world to adopt a little boy who is not related to them. They want an explanation and they want us to do it without mentioning God, or faith.

And we can't. There is no reason why we would do all of this. No reason outside an almighty, heavenly father who before the world was formed decided that we should be Sam's parents. We cannot explain why we don't want to wait, why we want to adopt, why we want to adopt from Russia specifically. No answer will satisfy them. And the fact that they keep asking is making me feel crazy and like maybe there is no reason. Which isn't true. In this instance Russia might as well be Satan whispering in our ear. God is the reason. Faith is the reason. Sam is the reason.

I have been thinking of other (non-religious) reasons we could give them. Belmont is planning a new hockey team in 2023 and we are recruiting early. We want to learn Russian and this seems like the easiest route. We're setting ourselves up for our own tv show on TLC. Gypsies are holding our cats hostage and demanding our first son and this seemed like a convenient way to get one.

All crazy reasons. All probably more acceptable to Russia.

I'm joking obviously. Only a little bit not. God wants us to have Sam. When we stand before the judge we just have to pray that he gives us the words to convince them or that they see us with him and words aren't necessary. God is the reason and he can work miracle where we can't.