Two more little feet

So our little S does have a little sister. And rather than continue to call her S's little sister we've (more like I've) decided to give her a name. I searched many baby names and decided I like the name E. It means "God has answered." And while we're not entirely sure we'll even get S and E I still think that God has answered so many of our prayers in the process.

I like saying their names together. S and E (you don't know what they are but they are beautiful.) And to be honest, sometimes it seems too big. Two adoptions, two kids at once, how on earth are we going to do that? And then I think about decorating a room for a boy and a girl. I think about the box of little dresses that my grandmother made for me that could be worn again. I think about little hair bows and princess movies. And I think about how Tim's heart will melt when they hand him that little girl (he thinks he's tough, I know better.) And when I think about these things she's not just S's sister. She's ours.

We're having a conference call with the Bethany people on Monday, including the Russia person and I think they may try to talk us out of S. So much is still unsure about that program at the moment. Although I did just check that agency's website and the information about their Russia program is back up whereas before it just said something about the accreditation. I really feel like S and E are mine. I want to dig my heels in about this. I think something has changed because even two weeks ago I don't think I felt this strongly. I've really been asking God if we should wait for S or move forward and my heart feels like the answer is S and E. Even if it takes longer. Even if it's harder. You do what you have to for your children. God wouldn't do any less for us.

Wandering In Emails

Lately, I have been feeling like we are wandering aimlessly around in the mess of paperwork and emails. It is not really a sad or depressing state, but just where we are in the process. Waiting is not easy. I think about the Israelites who wandered in the desert for over 40 years. Just walking around the desert all day long following cloud by day and fire by night. Not that waiting 3 or 4 or even 20 weeks is even comparable to wandering without purpose for 40 years, but I feel like we are wandering around waiting to get into the promise land of adoption. We occasionally get a sign of hope like today Carrie discovered Russia's website that shows all orphans available for adoption. We found S on the site and it says he does have a sibling. So that discovery was like manna from the sky. Of course, we then were in contact with our agency and had this feeling of almost "lost paradise" when they told us we may not qualify financially to adopt from Russia. But unlike the Israelites, we know that God is in control and no matter what happens His will is greater than our own.

Trains

When I was a little girl I used to take the train to my grandmother's house. This sounds very exciting and the first time I did it I thought so too. But the thing is California is a very very long state. And trains are surprisingly very very slow. For the first half hour or so everything on the train is interesting and the coloring books my mom stuck in my backpack were new and exciting and I could watch people settle in and look out the window and it was great. And then slowly it would get less and less exciting and I'd just start itching to be at my grandma's house, trying on new handmade dresses and eating fritos. And then the worst part. The train would inevitably stop. Completely stop in the same place for like 20 minutes at a time. Which when you're eight years old feels like a life time. That's how I was starting to feel about the adoption process. Stopped, with no control over when I can start moving again and no idea how long it will be until I get to my destination. And then God sent along the metaphorical snack cart. Last night was the first meeting of our both hands team and sitting there among friends I felt renewed. Like maybe everything wasn't just stopped. We have amazing incredible friends and it would have been worth is just to have them all in the same space for awhile but having them in the same place and knowing that they were there to support us was just what I needed. Maybe it's just that I needed a project. But I don't think so. I think I was prepared for this journey to go one specific way and when it stopped going that way I was very discouraged. Looking back I know that an eight year-old can't drive a train, but somehow I always managed to get to my grandmother's house. So I'm praying that I will be able to let God lead and trusting that he'll get us safely to our destination.

Quick Thought

It is not about the first step of faith, but the steps that follow it are what really count.