Update

We have been such slackers in updating lately. It's hard to blog when all you can say is life is good.

Life is really good. Everyone said we would hit our stride at about 6 months home and we really have. Sam's English improves daily and his vocabulary is amazing. He talks all the time! Sometimes it's hard just to get a word in edgewise. He's very social and would rather play with a friend than do anything else. He's looking forward to school in a few months about as much as his mama is dreading it.

His new favorite thing is Ben10 Ultimate Alien and he is constantly smacking his wrist or Ben10 watch and transforming. His imagination never ceases to amaze us.

Tim started a new job this week and Sam and I are adjusting to his new schedule. Instead of getting home at 4 now he gets home around 6 and Sam is definitely missing his papa time. On top of that Sam has an unexplained fever that seems to come and go and have no other symptoms. I'm trying to get him to stay calm but he's all 5 and all boy so it's only partially working.

Attachment feels like it's progressing, although as Tim likes to say, you feel like your attached until something happens that says you aren't. Sam is still crawling in bed with us most nights and after a few hours away he will usually call to say he misses me but he doesn't mommy shop and he is getting really good at checking in when he's playing with a friend or by himself. He seems less anxious and more sure of himself daily.

Below is what you actually came for. The first video I took on the one year anniversary of the first day we met Sam and the second one is of Sam reading one of his BOB books.

All quiet on this front

January was the first month we had with Sam that wasn't littered with holidays/celebrations. It was a quiet month, evidenced by the lack of photos and blog posts.

Sam is improving leaps and bounds. His english is amazing. I never speak Russian anymore unless it's an endearment here or there. The biggest sign that the change in language is clicking is that he's started playing in English. Batman and the Joker are now fighting in their native tongues!

It is amazing to watch him change and grow. He has recently started telling long winded stories that only occasionally make sense. My favorite is about a wolf that came into the desky dom which Sam punched and then it was dead.

We're still dealing with some issues. We tried to take him to the learning center at church while Tim and I went to listen to the sermon and it was a disaster so he's still not ready to be alone with anyone except babushka.

Sam was home 3 months on January 31st. I took some video of him that night before bed just so you could all see how much he's changing. I also posted some pictures.



Sam Loves Papa
And cars
Mexican food...not so much! So handsome!

Batman opened a can of worms

Batman is a pretty prominent figure in our house. He is by far Sam's favorite superhero and when we found a kid's book on batman at the library yesterday it seemed like a major find. The book is written like a very simple comic book that explains how Batman became Batman. Tonight Sam wanted to read it before bed and when we got to the part where Batman's parents died I was trying to explain why Batman was sad. I could tell the minute Sam sort of understood because his eyes filled with tears and he looked up at me and said "Nee desky dom" which means "no orphanage". I immediately started backtracking, reassuring, hugging, kissing, anything I could think of to explain that we weren't going to die and Sam wasn't going back to the orphanage.

All of the books, and every social worker tells you to talk openly about the adoption and your child's story. They don't tell you what to do when they understand just enough English to get the whole story confused. Sam doesn't understand tenses so everything you tell him is right now. And no matter how many times I try to explain that he had a Russian mama and papa and now he has an American mama and papa it isn't making sense. It broke my heart how terrified and sad he was. I don't want to mistake fear for connection but when he calmed down we just laid in bed together whispering about how much I loved him and he would whisper back that he loved me. I want him to fall asleep with the idea in his head that he is loved.

Other than that we are doing great. Sam is excited for Christmas without really understanding what it means. I have literally wrapped Christmas presents for him right behind him while he watched cartoons and he didn't even notice. At this point I think the pile of presents may be bigger than Sam.

We've had really cold weather the last week including some snow (see pictures below). Sam liked the snow but wasn't wildly ecstatic about it the way most kids in Tennessee get. All those years living in Russia made him a bit impervious.

His English seems to be growing in leaps and bounds. My favorites currently are the way he says "you're welcome" whenever he hears the words thank you and the way he says "it's okay" every time I apologize for something.

We are so lucky to have Sam. He is sweet and loving and curious and smart and everything a little boy ought to be.

Reality

I was just reading a blog of someone marking the anniversary of their referral call and I started thinking that we don't have that anniversary. We found Sam. I saw this picture on a web listing and while it might not have been love at first sight, I kept coming back to it, over and over again. He looked just like the sweet boys in my Sunday school class, just sad. Finally I convinced Tim and the rest is history.

But I was sitting here and it finally hit me that that little boy is here. I hold him and kiss him and watch him play all the time now. He was just this picture for so long that the reality of the huge blessing God has given us is only just now sinking in. And he's not that sad little boy anymore either. He was Aleksey, an orphan living in Sosnovo, Russia, and now he's Sam, a very smart, very loved son.

We love him so much and he doesn't have to do anything for that to happen. And he couldn't do anything to change that.

And that is why adoption is a picture of God. God takes our sad, fatherless selves and loves us for no reason, unconditionally. This weekend the sermon was on love and the pastor said that love is ethical, not emotional. That really hit home for me. Yes, my love for Sam is a feeling, but even when it's hard to feel that love, I still love him. How powerful it has been for me to realize that God loves me even more than I could ever love Sam.

Sam himself is doing amazing. We had two friends over today, Haddon and Hayes, and he had a ball. Some people have questioned us about bonding and attachment but Sam is doing so well and he is so much a four year old boy. The only person who really understands a four year old is another four year old. They wrestled and had strange conversations and played cars and had a ball. We are lucky to know such wonderful sweet boys who are so patient with Sam.

He's also learning some English and even occasionally correcting Mama when he says something to him in Russian that he knows in English, like Thank You. Today we learned the word "cookie" and for about an hour everything was a cookie. He can count to nine and say the ABC's and even identify a few letters.

Right now Sam and Papa are out running around the neighborhood in the jogging stroller which is why I had this quiet minute to post. Until next time!

Sam sings the ABC's

Anyone wanna hear Sam sing the ABC's? You know you want to!

One Lesson

God is my Shepherd

And I am his little lamb.

He feeds me

He guides me

He looks after me

I have everything I need

Inside, my heart is very quiet.

As quiet as lying still in soft, green grass

In a meadow

By a little stream

Even when I walk through

the dark, scary, lonely places

I won't be afraid

Because my Shepherd knows where I am

He is here with me

He keeps me safe

He rescues me

He makes me strong

And brave.

He is getting wonderful things ready for me

Especially for me

Everything I ever dreamed of!

He fills my heart so full of happiness

I can't hold it all inside.

Wherever I go I know

God's Never Stopping

Never Giving Up

Unbreaking

Always and Forever

Love

Will go, too!

Psalm 23

from the Jesus Storybook Bible

When we started the adoption we thought it was something God wanted us to do for Sam. Now as we near the end of the process I have learned that adoption is something God wants us to do for us. God has revealed himself in so many ways that I can't begin to list them all. When the Bible says that true religion is visiting orphans and widows we tend to put that into a box. God wants us to help those people because they need help. What I've learned is that God wants us to love those people to show us how he loves us.

This whole adoption has been about Jesus. I was guilty of putting Jesus in a box. Demarcating the parts of my life where Jesus went and keeping other parts separate from him. I was on my schedule, doing my own thing, and asking God to help me when it was convenient and to live on my schedule. I had made myself a pocket sized Jesus.

At the end of the adoption I have learned so much. When my arms ache to hold my child I am reminded of how much more God's arms ache to hold us. When I think of how much love there is in my heart for him I have just a small idea of how much God loves me. And when I think I know everything and that my plans are perfect, God shows me that his plans are bigger and grander and more incredible that I could even imagine.

On Friday we got an email saying "Hey, you're documents aren't going to get here until Monday and by the way Sam was sent to the hospital with appendicitis and had to have emergency surgery. He's doing fine and will be out of the hospital in a week."

And for the first time in the last 16 months I made myself be still. I didn't freak out, I didn't have a panic attack, I just came home and sat in Sam's room. I sat in the rocking chair and asked God why my baby had to be in the hospital without his parents again. Why this couldn't have waited one month until he was home. And God spoke.

The Peterson family gave us "The Jesus Storybook Bible" at our baby shower last week and it was sitting on Sam's nightstand. I picked it up and opened it and it opened to Psalm 23. It was like Jesus himself was reading it to me. And assuring me that he was whispering it in our Sam's ear as well. "Even when I walk through the dark, scary, lonely places I won't be afraid because my Shepherd knows where I am." God was assuring me that he knew exactly where Sam was, that he loved him more than I could, and that he would comfort him when I can't.

Our God is mighty. He's big and powerful. But He's also small enough to comfort us when we cry and hear us when we call. He wants only the best for Sam because He loves him.

The truth is God wants only the best for me too. He loves me too. So much. All I have to do is trust. He wants the best for you too. Only the best. Because he loves you too. This whole adoption was about learning that one lesson. And it was a good one.

15 days and counting...

I feel like we should be posting everyday because we are so close to leaving, but in reality nothing that exciting is happening. We spend the last two weekends doing mostly nothing and this weekend and next weekend I have class. In between all that there is just work and homework and getting our fingerprints done for the FBI. I read these other blogs where people have these long lists of things to do and then I worry that I'm missing something.

The visas will get here when they get here.

We still don't know how much money we need to take so we can't go to the bank.

We can't pack because that would be silly.

If we buy Sam anything else we'll have to buy an extra suitcase, so that's out.

Honestly, the best thing to do at the moment seems almost not to think about it. I don't know how Tim is coping but for me work has been a little crazy and I am also trying my hardest to get as much of my school work done before we leave as possible which means 2 bulletin boards, some presentations, and probably a good 2 more hours at the resource center at the library cutting things out using the die cuts.

One more thing, about his name. I think we're going with the two middle names. If he doesn't like it when he's older he can change it but we still call him Sam. He looks like Sam. So Sam he'll stay. For awhile he'll probably be Sam Alexey or Alexey Sam but eventually he'll just be my Sam.

Okay, I'm stopping now. I could probably ramble for a little while more but this post is already pointless.

What's in a name?

The blog has been made private because you never know when big brother Russia is watching you, but it being private means I can share the details with you all.

Today we got what may be the closest thing to a referral that we're going to get. Sam's birthday is in November (most likely the 2nd like I thought). It says he's outgoing with gray eyes (I say they're blue) and light brown hair. We knew all of this. We also found out some info on his parents that I don't want to share here but will be good for him to know when he's older.

Here is where the debate comes in. We knew Sam wasn't his real name but were going to change it because I love the name Samuel. I love that God gave him that "code name" for a purpose because it is what Hannah named her son after praying for him for a long time. The Bible says she named him Samuel because "I asked God for him". In my head his name is Sam.

We had always agreed that his middle name would be Stanley. It's a Tweten family name and it seemed like a good fit.

Today we got his Russian name and are now in a tizzy over whether to keep it. I think before we knew it we were okay with changing it. Now we aren't sure. His Russian name is Alexey, which I don't like. I also don't like Alex.

But neither of us is ever going to back down on our chosen names. So what do we do? 2 middle names? Samuel Alexey Stanley Tweten is a little bit of a mouthful. What do you guys think? Too much?

Leave us a message and let us know, maybe one of us can be swayed.