Would you dare to believe?

Maybe there are things you can’t see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

.

Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

.

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

.

So hold on you gotta wait for the lig ht

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

.

It’s just the dark before the morning

.

I heard this Josh Wilson song on the radio last night after talking to my mom about E. And I don't like to wax poetic about songs being inspirational or whatever but this is exactly the song I needed to hear. I needed to hear that God was working even if I couldn't see it and that soon all of this pain and sadness and hurting would just be a memory and none of it compares to what's ahead.

There is a box of clothes on the kitchen table. They are little girls clothes I ordered off ebay several weeks ago. They came the day before we got the email that said they didn't think we could have her. And they are still sitting there because I can't bear the thought of taking those tiny little clothes up stairs and putting them on hangers and then having to take them down and put them away. I couldn't stick them in a closet or give them to my mom, they just needed to sit there. Which seems silly to Tim. It's like if they are sitting there then there is still hope. We haven't given up.

I think I'm going to hang them up. I'm going to do it because there is something comforting about having those little clothes hang there in anticipation. And I need to believe that God is bigger than this and that he has a better plan for all of us. Other than that we are just waiting.

Waiting,
waiting,
waiting.

Hope Produces Perseverance

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:2-5 Adoption is not a sprint, it is definately a marathon and in the last few days it definately feels like we hit the wall. Along with the joy of potential travel dates came an email that basically says that people in Russia feels like E would require too much care, that trying to adopt her may hurt our chances to get S and that we should basically give it up and move on. This was extremely hard to hear. In our hearts E is our daughter and I could not picture going over there and knowing that she was being left in an orphanage. This is where hope becomes so important. We will try as hard as we can to bring her home with us this time. We will persevere. But if it doesn't come to pass we will not give up. In two years when we can adopt again we will try again to go back and get her. I cannot imagine doing this all over again, or how long that two years will be but in this case hope will produce perseverance not the other way around. And we still have hope in the knowledge that God is sovereign over every single bit of this process. If he wants E to come home with us she will. And if we have to wait two years for that day than that is God's plan too. God did not leave us and so we cannot leave her. We hope. We pray. And we trust that God is bigger than all of this.

Potential Travel Date

After receiving an email yesterday that we probably would not be receiving any sort of medical update until we get in country yesterday, we are both a little dejected. But then along comes an even better email today. Potential TRAVEL DATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are about 6 weeks away and just potential. Our agency's contact still is waiting on some agency accreditation paperwork before she can present us to the COMMITTEE. I am not scared of the COMMITTEE, because Regan wasn't scared of your wall. Plus at this point, it is just hopefully going to be them signing off on the approval they have already given us. To commemorate this joyous email, I wrote a song. I will not share the song, because I am in constant fear of having my mad skills infringed.

Flowers are Important

Tim and I started dating in January. This means that the first holiday we ever spent together (aside from a very important Martin Luther King Jr. day) was Valentine's day.

It was on or around that day when I explained to Tim the importance of sending a girl flowers. My husband (then boyfriend) did not understand why he should spend the money when he could get perfectly good flowers at the grocery store. I think I told him that it didn't have to do with what the flowers were worth, but rather what he thought I was worth. And ever since then he has outdone himself.

Today he sent me roses, beautiful roses in all colors that make my desk smell like spring. And a note that said how much he loved me and that I would be a good mom. And since this is hopefully our last valentine's day without kids I'm going to savor it. From now on it will be a mad rush of assembling 25 spiderman valentines and making heart shaped sugar cookies and strawberry pancakes.

This post has no point. I just wanted everyone to know how wonderful my husband is. Cause he's pretty wonderful.

Happy Valentines Day everybody!

Blessed Be The Name

Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Some of our paperwork got sent back. We have to redo it all and send it back. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. We realized that were going to be some additional costs and our finances just got much tighter. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. I could really use a nap. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. It really does not seem like anything is going our way. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Just blessed be the Name of the Lord. Everytime I hear "Blessed be the the Name," I cannot help but picture someone in the lowest point of their life, and they are crying out this song to God. I cry, because it seems like closest idea of God's provision for me. I also cry, because I wonder how I would respond in a situation like that, and hope that I will never be put there. Neither Carrie nor I are at that place right now (and I hope that we never are), but it just serves as reminder for us of God's provisions.

How many times I can refresh my email?

So right now we are waiting on a more expanded version of the medicial details. It is not really going to change our minds, but I guess someone feels it is neccessary. So I am constantly hitting the "Get Mail" button on my email account. I know it will auto-refresh and give me new mail, so it is a good thing it is a virtual button, because I would have worn it out by now. Carrie insists that we go get our babies now, but I tell her that waiting is good for us. I want to get them too, but it just reminds us who is in control. In other news, I refinished a chest of drawers for their room. It went from being stained to being painted white. All their furniture is very white, and their room is very green. I hope they like white and green, because that is what they are going to get.