Product Review

We received our psych evaluations in the mail earlier this week and as we read through them we were encouraged about our ability to be parents. But really why should an evaluation encourage us about our ability to be parents? We want to be parents. I think a lot of parenting is actually wanting to be a parent. I have no idea, but I am guessing that has a big part in being a parent. I was really thinking about all the evaluations we have to go through, and I am realizing that it is like we are product and all these psychologists and case workers are like professional product reviewers. I am just waiting for the form or evaluation that we are an 8 of 10 or that we 89% on the tomatometer. It seems kind of silly, but as we continue the homestudy, I just feel like a piece of meat or maybe an HDTV. I really want an HDTV, but I don't like to be reviewed like one. But I guess that is the process, and I am ok with it, because so far I am a pretty good product.

Homestudy Started!!!

We have officially begun the homestudy process! This is very exciting because that means that our homestudy could be complete in the next two weeks and then we can begin submitting paperwork to Russia. Hopefully the St. Petersburg problem will be solved in two weeks. If you pray for anything pray that God would move mountains there so that we can bring S home.

Things we have done this week:

• Printed out 2250 pages on our printer.
• Printed out 500 return envelopes
• Printed out 500 regular envelopes
• Spent what feels like a million dollars on stamps, ink, paper, pens, etc.
• Perforated the bottoms of 750 pages so that they would easily be tear off.
• Cleaned the house (at least the bottom portion of it)
• Met with Bethany
• Cried about S (okay, that was just me and just a little bit.)

That doesn't look like on paper how much it feels like. I'll talk about Bethany and then tell you what all the printing is about.

Tim and I went to Bethany on Monday to meet with our social worker and have a conference call with the woman in charge of their Russian program. Basically we got no real news. They are still working on it. Little S does have a sister but someone may be trying to adopt her separately. It's funny that they won't let people outside of Russia split up siblings, but they will let Russians do it. We know that if God wants us to get E we will. So we made a decision to get moving on our homestudy and when all the paperwork is complete we'll revisit the decision about St. Petersburg. We can always submit our dossier to Russia for a referral and if S becomes available in that time we can switch it. It was a good meeting though because our social worker, Lisa, seems really in our corner and like she wants to do whatever she can to help us get S. That was good to hear. Although it does seem like if we have to wait for a referral we might not have to wait too long because we would want a boy.

As for all the printing. Tonight is the big night of our Both Hands letter stuffing party. I'm trying not to be worried. Tim of course is not worried. His faith in this kind of stuff is bigger than mine. I just feel like we've put so much into this both time wise and financially that if it doesn't work we will have taken two steps backwards. I know that God is bigger than this, it's just the believing it part.

If you're coming tonight I will tell you that my mom is making cheesecake brownies and apple cake and we're getting two huge stuffed papa murphy's pizzas as well as a couple of regular ones, so you won't leave hungry.

Pray for S today. I don't know why. Just pray for him. Maybe it's a newly sprouting mom's intuition but I just feel like he needs it.

Two more little feet

So our little S does have a little sister. And rather than continue to call her S's little sister we've (more like I've) decided to give her a name. I searched many baby names and decided I like the name E. It means "God has answered." And while we're not entirely sure we'll even get S and E I still think that God has answered so many of our prayers in the process.

I like saying their names together. S and E (you don't know what they are but they are beautiful.) And to be honest, sometimes it seems too big. Two adoptions, two kids at once, how on earth are we going to do that? And then I think about decorating a room for a boy and a girl. I think about the box of little dresses that my grandmother made for me that could be worn again. I think about little hair bows and princess movies. And I think about how Tim's heart will melt when they hand him that little girl (he thinks he's tough, I know better.) And when I think about these things she's not just S's sister. She's ours.

We're having a conference call with the Bethany people on Monday, including the Russia person and I think they may try to talk us out of S. So much is still unsure about that program at the moment. Although I did just check that agency's website and the information about their Russia program is back up whereas before it just said something about the accreditation. I really feel like S and E are mine. I want to dig my heels in about this. I think something has changed because even two weeks ago I don't think I felt this strongly. I've really been asking God if we should wait for S or move forward and my heart feels like the answer is S and E. Even if it takes longer. Even if it's harder. You do what you have to for your children. God wouldn't do any less for us.

Wandering In Emails

Lately, I have been feeling like we are wandering aimlessly around in the mess of paperwork and emails. It is not really a sad or depressing state, but just where we are in the process. Waiting is not easy. I think about the Israelites who wandered in the desert for over 40 years. Just walking around the desert all day long following cloud by day and fire by night. Not that waiting 3 or 4 or even 20 weeks is even comparable to wandering without purpose for 40 years, but I feel like we are wandering around waiting to get into the promise land of adoption. We occasionally get a sign of hope like today Carrie discovered Russia's website that shows all orphans available for adoption. We found S on the site and it says he does have a sibling. So that discovery was like manna from the sky. Of course, we then were in contact with our agency and had this feeling of almost "lost paradise" when they told us we may not qualify financially to adopt from Russia. But unlike the Israelites, we know that God is in control and no matter what happens His will is greater than our own.

Trains

When I was a little girl I used to take the train to my grandmother's house. This sounds very exciting and the first time I did it I thought so too. But the thing is California is a very very long state. And trains are surprisingly very very slow. For the first half hour or so everything on the train is interesting and the coloring books my mom stuck in my backpack were new and exciting and I could watch people settle in and look out the window and it was great. And then slowly it would get less and less exciting and I'd just start itching to be at my grandma's house, trying on new handmade dresses and eating fritos. And then the worst part. The train would inevitably stop. Completely stop in the same place for like 20 minutes at a time. Which when you're eight years old feels like a life time. That's how I was starting to feel about the adoption process. Stopped, with no control over when I can start moving again and no idea how long it will be until I get to my destination. And then God sent along the metaphorical snack cart. Last night was the first meeting of our both hands team and sitting there among friends I felt renewed. Like maybe everything wasn't just stopped. We have amazing incredible friends and it would have been worth is just to have them all in the same space for awhile but having them in the same place and knowing that they were there to support us was just what I needed. Maybe it's just that I needed a project. But I don't think so. I think I was prepared for this journey to go one specific way and when it stopped going that way I was very discouraged. Looking back I know that an eight year-old can't drive a train, but somehow I always managed to get to my grandmother's house. So I'm praying that I will be able to let God lead and trusting that he'll get us safely to our destination.

Quick Thought

It is not about the first step of faith, but the steps that follow it are what really count.